Photography: Kendra Lim
Perla grew up as a shepherdess. Her five older brothers taught her everything that she needed to know about sheeping herds. Between making sheep noises, sprinkling glitter on the sheep's toes, dunking their heads in ginger ale, and drawing chalk circles around the perimeter, Perla kept her herd under control. In fact, her talents were so great that she was nominated for a multitude of shepherding awards. In 1994, Perla flew in a private jet to Berlin for the International Shepherding Competition. When it was her turn to present, she baaaah'd her heart out, sprinkled glitter as magically as she could, dunked those sheep heads like Oreos, and drew her chalk circles with fervour. However, she did all of this to no avail. It was then that she realised that her methods were not just unconventional, but that they were also ineffective. Her brothers had made a fool out of her. In fact, her herd at home didn't even comprise of real sheep. They were just glitter and ginger ale-loving trolls dressed up in sheep costumes. Perla quit shepherding and became a dentist.
Cadence once won a colouring competition in which she won a palace and a year's subscription to a magazine of her choice. Sounds ridiculous, but the colouring competition wasn't merely paper-based; it was a competition to colour in the colour-it-yourself IKEA wallpaper that lined the walls of the Sheikh's baby's nursery. Her efforts were even more impressive because the participants were only allowed to use the tears of a porpoise as ink. This seemed impossible to the crayon afficionados, but luckily Cadence had paid attention during her IB Higher Level Chemistry classes, and she knew that mixing in varying amounts of powdered unicorn horn to the porpoise tears would create different colours. She painted a masterpiece for the Sheikh, and the rest is history. She now lives inside a cupboard at the Palace Cinemas in Balwyn, and is just about to receive the last issue of her Wheels subscription.
The jersey-and-mesh composition wasn't always popular, but Wyatt loved his parents, so he wasn't going to spite them for his genetics. Being slightly meshy in appearance, he had spent some time during his university years moonlighting as a pair of stockings, a hair net, a veil for his beekeeper friend down the road, and as a cheesecloth, in addition to his day job as a Bible salesman. However, he was always fired whenever his jersey component got in the way. His jersey-body would often get in the way of the beekeeper's vision or retain too much liquid for productive cheese-making. Wyatt was awfully upset with himself. After getting fired for being too opaque and not stretchy enough to be a pair of stockings, he finally decided it was time to take a season to focus on himself. He started exercising more, ate better, hung out with better influences, and in no time, Wyatt had become the size of a crop-top, and the sports luxe look had resurfaced! Wyatt is a testament to the fact that you can go from being insecure and inconvenient to being 'something that's totally appropriate to wear in a polaroid photo' in no time. What a trooper!
Uriana spent her time refereeing basketball games morning and night. She didn't particularly enjoy it (except when she got to ref games for the Underwater Basketball Association because she got to wear a pink snorkel), but people assumed that refereeing was her profession based on her appearance, so she was never without work and the money was enough to sustain her decadent lifestyle (as decadent as a lifestyle can be for a shirt). Little did others know that Uriana actually had a doctorate in parking cars. She also had a heart for justice. So one day after a near-death experience ref-ing for the Snowstorm League, she decided to put her whistle down forever and follow her heart's true calling: becoming a valet at her local shopping centre, and also becoming an undercover agent that disciplines those who insist on parking in disable spots without a permit. Watch out for Uriana - she's relentless (she keyed my friend's car once).