Photography: Kendra Lim
Reyes won six wars in six years. The Internet had become a dark place full of nonsensical shorthand and dodgy emoticons (note: this does not include Emojis - they're the only acceptable emoticons). The police couldn't monitor all the illegally terrible grammar by themselves, so they started recruiting people to join a new social media army. The O.P.I.U.M. (Online Protection Ice-cream Undies Mermaid) fought many raging wars against the likes of LOL and ILY, neglected use of commas and full-stops, embarrassingly poor spelling, and their legions of roflcopters, infinite amounts of LMAO gas, and ALWAYS-inappropriate-winky-face disguises. Reyes sustained 89 injuries over his six years of service, and the O.P.I.U.M. quickly disbanded after their General sent a memo out that said, "heyyy bebs dw bout da war tbh idc & imho we cant win -_- wateva 4eva m8 Xx"
Arturo graduated high school in 1994, but he wasn't quite sure what he wanted to do with his life career-wise. His father wanted him to join the social media army with his best mate's eldest son, Reyes; his mother just wanted him to become Japanese after being inspired by the hit song 'Turning Japanese' by The Vapors (which she had singlehandedly kept at the number 01 spot for two weeks during June 1980). His parents were so adamant about their dreams for him that Arturo started having terrible stress-induced nightmares. One night he had a nightmare about getting shot in the face by a totes cray roflcopter. On another night, he had a nightmare that only the lower-half of his body turned Japanese, whilst the top-half remained Italian, so neither half could communicate with the other - he started walking with his ears and shaking people's hands with his feet. It was getting out of control! Therefore to make both his parents happy, he decided to start working at David Jones. He was never very logical.
Yoko always wanted a Christmas tree in her house, but unfortunately her ceiling was only 1.4 metres high. All she could fit in her humble abode was a 15cm 'Grow Your Own Christmas Tree' tree from the National Geographic shop. This was the one thing that she'd look forward to every year, but this love for the magic of fuzzy instant Christmas trees quickly became an obsession. She'd buy whole boxes-full of instant Christmas tree kits, empty the magic liquid into her bathtub, then proceed to soak all of her belongings in the solution, turning everything fuzzy. One particularly lonely Christmas, she decided over a bottle of red that it was time to experience the magic herself, so she lit up a few candles and soaked herself in the fuzzy Christmas juice for a few hours. And that, my friends, is how velvet is made.
Xavier's parents met in the playroom of an early learning centre one Wednesday during morning tea. Xavier's dad, John, had fallen behind the kitchen play-set, and Xavier's mum, Dexter, went to go save him. It was a true act of sacrificial love. They started dating straight after that fateful incident, and got married 3 years after that. Then 18 months later, Dexter gave birth to their first son, Xavier. The village was in deep confusion, and the community fountains were filled with cola. This was not the norm for relationships - the timing was all off! It was unheard of; this was bizarre! In fact, the least ridiculous part of John and Dexter's relation was that John was a waffle, and Dexter was a navy blue crayon.